5-18-07 From Kevin:

I work at home, and pretty much always have. To be honest, the first reason was because I'm a failure as an 'employee' and I fit in as much at a real office as I did in school. Which is...not at all. And especially at the beginning, working at home meant not making a lot of money, at least not as much as I could have gotten with a regular job. But the payoff of not having an alarm clock and taking advantage of a sunny day were worth it.

Later we had our first kid, and then another... Being at home I got to enjoy every day with the kids, along with Teri of course. And I realized I couldn't handle missing anything. The first smile, laugh, crawl, walk, etc... As time went on, we were often scraping by on the meager income I brought in, but we knew we wouldn't trade my presence at home for triple the income. Well...most of the time. Sometimes we'd daydream about me taking a 'real job' in the city for just 6 months to increase our revenue and pad our finances. But when it came down to it, being away for a single day put our family in despair.

However...even in working from home, I can be nearby, but not present. If I keep my door shut all day and don't make an appearance, I might as well be gone to an office. Worse, Teri and the kids are trying to keep the house quiet on my end of the home so I can be on a phone call or be writing.

And I've seen the shift in my kids when I do this for just a few days. You see, being around, the kids are used to me being a part of their lives. The big kids are asking me to jump on the trampoline with them. The little boys are coming in to show me toys and Ian's saying, "I want to hold you!" Which means...he wants me to hold him. So if I spend a few days with my door shut, or take the very infrequent business trip, I see these requests trail off. And my first tendency...is to get more uninterrupted work done. That is...until I realize what is happening. The kids aren't asking because they've given up. Amazing how short of a time it takes.

On a grand scale with parents who are working and not with their kids much, I see this distance. And it gets minimized because it's not acute. If I get drunk and beat my kid, it's apparent. But if I'm just absent and the relationship is minimalized and marginalized, it's totally under the radar. You can argue that they aren't suffering, and maybe I'm overly sensitive.

Here's what I know though, and I'll just use the example of my two little boys, Ian (2 1/2) and Canyon (1 1/2). The thing they love the most from me...is being on the floor. Literally...just laying down on the floor. The sit on me, jump on me, or just rest on my chest. Sometimes I throw them in the air or roll around or tickle them. But they will go for as long as I'll do it. Five minutes or 45 minutes. And what I see is that it's the equivalent of oxygen to their little bodies. Their demeaner changes. The are not so fussy or demanding, and they are so prone to be at peace. And when I come in to the room, they flat-out light up. And that...is food for my soul. A $50,000 bonus can't do for my heart what that joy-filled face in response to my presence does.

So just now...I needed to do some writing, for myself and a client. And the house was a bit...chaotic. I snagged my laptop and headed out to our little RV where I sometimes seek solace to write. I had maybe 5 minutes, before little Ian and Canyon sauntered out to the porch. One of them spied me through the RV window. Ian is old enough to open the gate, which he did, and they started a delicate walk with bare feet on the gravel driveway...over to me. As I really wanted to get some work done, I got out and picked them up and deposited them back in the house, shutting the main door to keep them in. They were whining, but I knew it would be short lived. Pretty quick I see their faces pressed against the window to try and catch a glimpse of me. That's when my heart melted.

I'm grateful. Grateful that I have to sneak away because my little guys seek out their Daddy. And not just for play. It is so apparent that it's much deeper. I am their Dad. Their protector, provider, comforter. Me. Nobody can take my place, it's etched in their hearts. And up to me to set aside all the demanding activities of life to keep that needed and desired connection with Daddy alive and thriving.

What a gift and a privilege.